Blood isn't thicker than regret..

I need to get out. I need friend time. I need a vacation. I need to breathe. I need to smile... because this woman that is doing him wrong... isn't me..

and every time after I freak out I come to my senses feeling fucking awful. Why can't I just support him?

He needs me but I'm just making myself part of the problem. I need to take a big step back, stop being so fucking needy. Be there for him.

Even if I don't know what he's suffering from.

Even if I feel like he doesn't trust me. He's right, it's not my problem... but I can't help but feel like I could do something. Even if it is to listen, or to hear him preach. I am not making his life any easier...

this person that is freaking out it isn't me.

I'm nothing but a puppet filled with insecurities.

I am better than this. I am greater than these taunting thoughts that wrack my cranium. Why can't I just tear them out and beg them to let me be?

Why of all times has my depression decided to set in?

Crowing in my ear like the Joker's insanity?

For so long I had thought that I had rid myself of the horrible person I can become.

When I feel like I'm backed in a corner. Not knowing if I'll ever see the light of day.

Not knowing if I will ever be able to see my captor.

I hate this side of me. I wouldn't blame you for hating it too.

This person that years ago the doctor prescribed me with pills.

I don't get that thrill or that high from seeing you in misery.

I'm not who I used to be..

But yet, I feel myself replicating, manifesting that cruel heartless soul that gave no mercy to the sweetest of sinner's.

I am not this person, so why must I fall back into my old ways?

I had thought I had cast it all aside. Hid it from sight, hid it from everyone.

Who is the fake one? Is it me? Trying to please every person that requests a favor?

Who am I? If I look in the mirror will it be a dismal reflection of my past recollections?

Or will it be who I thought I was? A believer..

I want to let my fears bleed out, till there is nothing left. Such pain beckons me towards the wrong direction.

How sturdier of walls can I build when they are tumbling around me?

Am I trapped underneath the catastaphe under my skin... what soul would blend with burgendy red?

One with passion? Fear? Aggression?

Trapped underneath rubble, coexisting with filth that spews from my mouth.

My chest feels tight, my breathing becomes harder... another panic attack it seems..

Thank you father.. I have always been one to forgive. To look towards the future.

You taught me to be a believer, but you never believed in me. I had no one, nothing.

I wish. I wasn't so tormented by the past. I wish, I could move on from this purgatory I manifested into my reality.

But what? Where do you go when you're trapped in a corner? Where do you go with dreams if you're chained up?

The sky is the limit they say. But no one ever tells you about gravity.

No one tells you that if you don't have wings you won't fly. You can't touch the sky for it is intangible.

Everything, everything most important to us, feelings, memories, worries, mistakes, time.....

We can't touch.

It is merely but a figment of speech.

We can't hold onto it, we can only watch it slip away..

So tell me..... how far into the sky can you reach?

Without wings you'll just fall... without dreams you'll just blend in with societies sick expectations.

Without someone to love, you'll be alone...

Blood is thick, but not thicker than regret.

But yet....

I still continue to keep dreaming..

It's like I'm stuck in REM sleep, watching people pass by... seeing them leave.. feeling incomplete..

Shouting, screaming, crying, begging...

"Why are you leaving..."

Daddy.... why am I not important enough for you to stick around...?

Daddy.... daddy.... you're nothing but a stranger to me..

A liar, that left mommy... a man that would abandon his family...

A hypocrite that only told half of the truth.....

The reason I'm fucked up... just like all of you..